Coercive control

I've been listening to some more podcast by Real Crime Profile as I find them so fascinating and the latest podcasts have been regarding coercive control.

I find anything to do with psychology very interesting and especially this concept of coercive control. It got me thinking about how easy it is to fall into the trap of allowing someone else to control you.

As most of you know me, I'm an incredibly strong minded and stubborn person (sometimes to a fault of mine) so the thought of someone controlling me instils the fear of God into me however listening to the Podcast made me realise how easy it is to happen.

I decided to do some research and here are some of the characteristic of coercive control;

Controlling or observing the victim's daily activities, including: making them account for their time; restricting access to money; restricting their movements (including being locked in the property).

Isolating the victim from family and friends; intercepting messages or phone calls.

Constant criticism of victim's role as a partner, spouse or parent.

Threats of suicide/homicide.

Preventing the victim from taking medication or accessing care (especially relevant for victims with disabilities).

Using children to control their partner, eg threats to take the children away.

Extreme dominance; a sense of ‘entitlement' to partner or the partner's services, obedience etc - no matter what.

Extreme jealousy (“If I can't have you, no one can”), giving the victim cause to believe they will act on this.

Threats to damage the property and cause injury to pets.

Threats to expose sensitive information (eg sexual activity) or make false allegations to family members, religious or local community including via photos or the internet.

Involvement of wider family members or the community; crimes in the name of ‘honour'.

Manipulation of information given to professionals.

All those listed above seem pretty extreme however I imagine they very easily sneak into an unhealthy relationship (mainly thinking of Marco here!) and before you know it, you feel trapped.

The podcast actually gave some more examples of things that could happen in every day life. These are things that perhaps you wouldn't even think twice about. Here are some examples;

 Your partner telling you they much prefer you when you wear your hair up/down.

 Your friend telling you not to wear a certain item of clothing (maybe because they have it too).

 A partner saying perhaps you should eat more/less.

These probably seem quite obvious as controlling behaviours however it's very easy to skip over things, especially when you start dating someone new.

How many times have you met someone new whom you like, they might say something like 'I really like it when you wear tight jeans (or something similar)' so next time you see them, and you're decided what to wear, you may have in the back of your mind that you'll wear something tight as you know they'll like it.

These isolated things could be perfectly fine however with any form of abuse, there's usually a pattern. It's consistent. One comment maybe about the hair, next is the clothes, then it's hobbies and before you know it everything you do, you're doing to please someone else.

I love being single. I'm independent. I love having my own agenda and freedom to do whatever the hell I like. However, I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of wanting to please someone else, especially if you like them.

I enjoy writing these blog posts as I hope it helps others to see things from a different perceptive. It's good to raise awareness of these potential issues. Regardless whether you're single or in a relationship, no one deserves to control someone else. I know it's scary sometimes standing up for yourself but if you don't do it, you'll allow someone to walk all over you and that won't make you happy.