Coercive control

I've been listening to some more podcast by Real Crime Profile as I find them so fascinating and the latest podcasts have been regarding coercive control.

I find anything to do with psychology very interesting and especially this concept of coercive control. It got me thinking about how easy it is to fall into the trap of allowing someone else to control you.

As most of you know me, I'm an incredibly strong minded and stubborn person (sometimes to a fault of mine) so the thought of someone controlling me instils the fear of God into me however listening to the Podcast made me realise how easy it is to happen.

I decided to do some research and here are some of the characteristic of coercive control;

Controlling or observing the victim's daily activities, including: making them account for their time; restricting access to money; restricting their movements (including being locked in the property).

Isolating the victim from family and friends; intercepting messages or phone calls.

Constant criticism of victim's role as a partner, spouse or parent.

Threats of suicide/homicide.

Preventing the victim from taking medication or accessing care (especially relevant for victims with disabilities).

Using children to control their partner, eg threats to take the children away.

Extreme dominance; a sense of ‘entitlement' to partner or the partner's services, obedience etc - no matter what.

Extreme jealousy (“If I can't have you, no one can”), giving the victim cause to believe they will act on this.

Threats to damage the property and cause injury to pets.

Threats to expose sensitive information (eg sexual activity) or make false allegations to family members, religious or local community including via photos or the internet.

Involvement of wider family members or the community; crimes in the name of ‘honour'.

Manipulation of information given to professionals.

All those listed above seem pretty extreme however I imagine they very easily sneak into an unhealthy relationship (mainly thinking of Marco here!) and before you know it, you feel trapped.

The podcast actually gave some more examples of things that could happen in every day life. These are things that perhaps you wouldn't even think twice about. Here are some examples;

 Your partner telling you they much prefer you when you wear your hair up/down.

 Your friend telling you not to wear a certain item of clothing (maybe because they have it too).

 A partner saying perhaps you should eat more/less.

These probably seem quite obvious as controlling behaviours however it's very easy to skip over things, especially when you start dating someone new.

How many times have you met someone new whom you like, they might say something like 'I really like it when you wear tight jeans (or something similar)' so next time you see them, and you're decided what to wear, you may have in the back of your mind that you'll wear something tight as you know they'll like it.

These isolated things could be perfectly fine however with any form of abuse, there's usually a pattern. It's consistent. One comment maybe about the hair, next is the clothes, then it's hobbies and before you know it everything you do, you're doing to please someone else.

I love being single. I'm independent. I love having my own agenda and freedom to do whatever the hell I like. However, I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of wanting to please someone else, especially if you like them.

I enjoy writing these blog posts as I hope it helps others to see things from a different perceptive. It's good to raise awareness of these potential issues. Regardless whether you're single or in a relationship, no one deserves to control someone else. I know it's scary sometimes standing up for yourself but if you don't do it, you'll allow someone to walk all over you and that won't make you happy.

Emotional Abuse and Manipulation

I haven't updated my blog in a while and I just read the past few titles... 'Traits of a Psychopath' and '9 questions you should ask your relationship'. I guess something's have been playing on my mind for a while now.


Recently I've been listening to some 'self-help' podcasts. I've got really into podcasts lately and before I was listening to real crime series but recently I've needed some help and guidance so some of the podcasts have been really useful.


One in particular is called Tip Talk with Dr. Jennifer Degler. She has such a soothing and calming voice, this really helps with a podcast. I have listened to a four part podcast of hers about ten times over the past few days.


The four part podcast is surrounding Emotional Abuse. Part 1 explains what actually is emotional abuse. Part 2 explains the red flags for recognising emotionally abusive people. Part 3 explains the warning signs that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. And finally part 4 asks whether you are in fact an emotionally abusive person.


It's been so important listening to all parts of her podcast as it shows a journey that sadly many people are either on or have been on in the past that they were not fully aware of, or possibly they didn't want to admit it.


Perhaps some people see the words 'Emotional Abuse' and think people are being overdramatic. Maybe they think people are being too sensitive or reading into things that are not there however this isn't always true. With all abuse, there are different levels and severity of it. The occasional personal dig or silent treatment might not seem that big a deal but emotional abuse isn't just one isolated incident. It's a consistent pattern. 


Whilst listening to the podcasts, I noticed that some of the traits I have in fact inflicted on other people. I was utterly disgusted with myself so I want to ensure I never do these things again. I also noticed exactly how toxic my most recent relationship was.


This isn't an opportunity to air dirty laundry, this is a chance to share my experience and if other people are reading this, perhaps help clarify things for them. I will provide some examples of experience I have been through though, I hope it helps put things into context. 


So what constitutes emotional abuse?


I will outline some of the red flags of what emotional abuse is but ultimately it is a journey. When you first start a relationship, you probably won't see these signs. In fact, you'll see the opposite. They will likely be the most charming person you've ever met. Everyone will more likely be drawn to them and they will appear likeable and simply 'perfect'.


Then they start to show their true colours and the signs below shouldn't be ignored. If the person truly is emotionally abusive, these things will not change on their own. Action will need to be taken.


Please remember though that you can not make someone else change. They will only change if they want to change.


1. Intimidation and threats


This seems like a pretty obvious sign but sometimes it's not as direct as you think. The obvious way is someone shouting at you, causing you to 'back down' or maybe they are banging around the house.


The not so obvious signs are the threatening looks when you say something 'out of turn' or the general feeling of being uneasy around that person when they are in a bad mood.


2. Criticism


"Are you really going to wear that?" or "That was such a stupid comment". Being constantly put down will lower your self-esteem and self-worth. You will start to believe everything is bad about you and it's simply not true.


3. Undermining


This might include things like dismissing your opinion. It can also involve making you doubt your own opinion by acting as if you're being oversensitive if you do complain, disputing your version of events or by suddenly being really nice to you after being cruel.


Sadly many times I've completely doubted myself after an argument/discussion. I've wondered whether I am the one in the wrong for being annoyed/worried about my 'partner' being out till 9:00am the following day without knowing who they are with or what they are up to.


This is such a mind-fuck (sorry for the foul language). When you are doubting yourself, it's utterly exhausting. You are the one person you can fully rely on, so don't ever doubt yourself.


4. Guilt-trips


This can range from outright emotional blackmail (threats to kill oneself or lots of emotional outbursts such as crying) to sulking all the time or giving you the silent treatment. They say or do these things to manipulate your emotions.


Hearing someone say they are going to kill themselves is the worst feeling ever, especially when you have already had to live through that agony. By making you feel guilty, it's easier for them to control you. Try not to let them take that control over you.


5. Inability to see other peoples point of view


Do they refuse to acknowledge how you feel or how you react to the things the abuser does? More often than not they will dismiss any opinion you have on the situation. This is another way to make you doubt yourself and allows them to make you feel guilty and control you further.


6. Constantly walking on eggshells


If you're always trying to think of the right way to express yourself so you can't be misunderstood, even over the simplest things - this is bad. Also if you tip toe around your partner in case they are in a bad mood, this isn't a life you should lead.


Every day once a week, I would have to be extra careful as my ex would only get a short amount of sleep before his next shift. It's normal to be grumpy when you're tired but it is completely unfair to shut the other person out and refuse to communicate because you're in a bad mood or shout at them for asking a simple question. This happened nearly every week - consistent behaviour.


7. They know best...


Of course occasionally your partner may think they know what's best for you and they are trying to support you but if someone is constantly in your head and trying to make decisions about your life, this isn't right.


One of my biggest problems was surrounding "teasing". My ex thought whatever I did that I had an ulterior motive and I was teasing him. If I didn't want to have sex, then I must have been teasing him by withholding and not just because I was simply tired.


Even when we split up, I was the one who created ALL our issues in the relationship and I decided to split up on the exact day he had made plans for us to do something special, just to tease him. I do not think like that. I reacted to yet another bad situation and as sad as it is, it was the right reaction.


I could continue this post for probably at least another 20 signs of emotional abuse. However, I won't because deep down inside if you relate to anything I've said then you know the situation you're in is not a healthy one.


I write these posts usually because it's something relatable to me. I have discovered the relationship I was in was emotionally abusive. However, I was in love and I ignored the warning signs for so long.
At what point in your life do you just give up on yourself? If I had continued in the relationship, that's exactly what I would have been doing.


I've read lots of articles and listened to several podcasts regarding emotional abuse but there actually isn't as much information out there on how to deal with the situation when you finally discovered what you're involved in.


A lot of people will say to simply walk away however it's not always that easy when you're in love. But playing devils advocate here, if you are truly in love with someone who is emotionally abusive how can you really be sure that they are also truly in love with you? And even if they are in love, is it really that healthy? Their behaviour is bad, it's toxic.


The worst people are those who do not even see their actions as being abusive. Those people are incapable of fully changing. There are some people who do change. They do improve and they will make the effort but once the damage is done, it's really hard to get 'over it'. If you can learn to forgive, will you ever really forget?


I think in this situation people need to be on their own and make whatever changes are required. The abuser needs to take a hard look at themselves and commit to improving themselves in order to not be that controlling, manipulative person again. And the abusee (not a word but I refuse to use the word victim) needs time to heal. You must remember they didn't choose for the person to act the way they did.


On my own personal healthy journey, I am still struggling. I recognised that I was also guilty of some of those traits. I feel so ashamed of myself but I know I am not that type of person. Maybe I was simply reacting to the situation I found myself in.


Either way I am now committed to ensuring I never subject anyone to any emotional abuse (and remember this is a consistent pattern not a one off sulk or shouting match) and I will never allow myself to be belittled or controlled again.


When they say love is blind, it truly is but always trust your gut. If it feels wrong, it probably is wrong. Be kind to yourself and others.


Much love,
Becky
xxx