Coercive control

I've been listening to some more podcast by Real Crime Profile as I find them so fascinating and the latest podcasts have been regarding coercive control.

I find anything to do with psychology very interesting and especially this concept of coercive control. It got me thinking about how easy it is to fall into the trap of allowing someone else to control you.

As most of you know me, I'm an incredibly strong minded and stubborn person (sometimes to a fault of mine) so the thought of someone controlling me instils the fear of God into me however listening to the Podcast made me realise how easy it is to happen.

I decided to do some research and here are some of the characteristic of coercive control;

Controlling or observing the victim's daily activities, including: making them account for their time; restricting access to money; restricting their movements (including being locked in the property).

Isolating the victim from family and friends; intercepting messages or phone calls.

Constant criticism of victim's role as a partner, spouse or parent.

Threats of suicide/homicide.

Preventing the victim from taking medication or accessing care (especially relevant for victims with disabilities).

Using children to control their partner, eg threats to take the children away.

Extreme dominance; a sense of ‘entitlement' to partner or the partner's services, obedience etc - no matter what.

Extreme jealousy (“If I can't have you, no one can”), giving the victim cause to believe they will act on this.

Threats to damage the property and cause injury to pets.

Threats to expose sensitive information (eg sexual activity) or make false allegations to family members, religious or local community including via photos or the internet.

Involvement of wider family members or the community; crimes in the name of ‘honour'.

Manipulation of information given to professionals.

All those listed above seem pretty extreme however I imagine they very easily sneak into an unhealthy relationship (mainly thinking of Marco here!) and before you know it, you feel trapped.

The podcast actually gave some more examples of things that could happen in every day life. These are things that perhaps you wouldn't even think twice about. Here are some examples;

 Your partner telling you they much prefer you when you wear your hair up/down.

 Your friend telling you not to wear a certain item of clothing (maybe because they have it too).

 A partner saying perhaps you should eat more/less.

These probably seem quite obvious as controlling behaviours however it's very easy to skip over things, especially when you start dating someone new.

How many times have you met someone new whom you like, they might say something like 'I really like it when you wear tight jeans (or something similar)' so next time you see them, and you're decided what to wear, you may have in the back of your mind that you'll wear something tight as you know they'll like it.

These isolated things could be perfectly fine however with any form of abuse, there's usually a pattern. It's consistent. One comment maybe about the hair, next is the clothes, then it's hobbies and before you know it everything you do, you're doing to please someone else.

I love being single. I'm independent. I love having my own agenda and freedom to do whatever the hell I like. However, I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of wanting to please someone else, especially if you like them.

I enjoy writing these blog posts as I hope it helps others to see things from a different perceptive. It's good to raise awareness of these potential issues. Regardless whether you're single or in a relationship, no one deserves to control someone else. I know it's scary sometimes standing up for yourself but if you don't do it, you'll allow someone to walk all over you and that won't make you happy.

Buyer Beware - Any single girl or guy must read!

Caveat emptor: [Latin, Let the buyer beware.] A warning that notifies a buyer that the goods he or she is buying are "as is," or subject to all defects.

I decided I would try the whole online dating (OLD) thing again so off I popped to download old faithful Plenty of fish (POF).

I'm a busy girl so I wasn't really using it that much. I received a fair few messages (at one point over 200 un-opened messages were in my inbox) so when I did decide to browse, one message caught my eye.

His profile showed a dark handsome man with the cutest dimples and smile. He's profile said he was a Lawyer and lived in London. His pictures showed his passion for travel and even him with his cute dog - I was hooked.

After a few messages on the app, we quickly switched to what's app to chat. More pictures were exchanged (nothing inappropriate) by both of us. He was incredibly complimentary of my pictures, which I thought was sweet. One of the pictures he sent me was 'him' and a stunning girl, who after I questioned, turned out to be his sister - or so he said.

What's app messages quickly moves onto FaceTime calls. Here was this guy who - well didn't look exactly like his photos, but he was still tanned with a cute smile.

By now we'd been chatting every single day for well over a week. I'd wake up to a "Good morning princess" message. He's call me when he was on his way to work. You see he was driving his Aston Martin to work. He said it was easier to drive, as being a busy Criminal Defense Barrister, he may have to drive between the office and court. He even sent me a picture of his lovely car with a note with my name on - cute.

We would then spend hours in the evening chatting on FaceTime. The evenings were his downtime from such a hectic hot shot job in Westminster.

Having an interest for law, I'd ask him what it was like being a Barrister. I had a genuine interest in his job. Sometimes he seemed quite open, albeit a bit vague. Until one evening I asked about him being registered with the Bar. For this simple question, I got the phone hung up on me.

I racked my brain thinking "shit what did I say wrong?". He questioned my motives. I couldn't quite understand what my motives possibly could have been. He was very good at twisting what I had said to make me in the wrong. He said I must "want" something.

I put two and two together and came up with five. I assumed he meant I must be a gold digger. Oh honey, I haven't worked my arse off to own my own property since the age of 19. I owe my own car (outright), I travel whenever I want and I buy myself lovely designer handbags - when I want. I need no men financially.

Don't get me wrong, when this "gentlemen" offered to whisk me to Venice for the weekend - of course my head was turned. It was also turned at the promise of free airplane tickets to Saint Lucia. And our first date dining at The Shard.

You can see where this is going, too good to be true....?! Yep.

After the rather defensive response to my questions about his job, I decided to check The Barristers Register. Now I knew his first name and had a slight guess at him surname (thanks to searching his number on Facebook) and you guessed it - zero results.

Ok so his name might have been spelt differently. That's when I thought I'd google his phone number. Now I know this makes me sound a tad crazy but unfortunately in this day and age, people lie online so you do have to do your homework - and I'm glad I did!

There are websites such as findwhocallsyou.com where you can leave reviews for phone numbers. I've searched this before and it's usually come up with telemarketers or recruitment consultants. So when 32 (33 including me now!) reports come up for this number, I had to read them.

Here are some of the comments:

10 Aug 2017 - I had the unfortunate experience of *name*. Doesn't work as a Barrister. Does not live in Marylebone. Is very poor, not attractive has moobs and is short. Will blame you for his short comings and will divert the subject and blame you for him lying. What a loser.

15 Jan 2017 - Mental!dangerous !all the pictures on his fake profiles belong to a famous model called Farzan Atharj.

19 May 2017 - This guy is a total Pyschopath. Called me a liar and threatened to ruin me because I was talking to other guys (after having talked to him twice!!). I want to report him to the police-anyone have a real name? He goes by the name of *name*. Can you only report a phone no?

You get the picture right. Now it seems like I've been pretty lucky because I never actually met him. We were supposed to meet tomorrow but I'm still ill so we rearranged.

I think I've been one of the lucky ones. Whilst I've wasted nearly two weeks speaking to the psychopath, I thankfully never gave him any personal details such as where I live.

I did however sadly share my stories about my past. I'm partly annoyed with myself for being so trusting and open. My personal experiences are exactly that, mine. In future I won't be sharing something so personal with anyone until I truly know and trust them.

Luckily I'm laughing about this nut job. I mean who actually has the time to think of being someone completely different?! Someone very sad with no friends or a life!

One of the comments mentioned this mans pictures are from an Iranian model called Farzan Atharj. I google the images and of course all the pictures he sent me are this mans, even the one supposedly with his sister.

I thought the picture looked a little too cosy to be a sister lol

Anyway, let this be a warning to anyone else if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Also google that number! This isn't the first time I've uncovered a liar. The previous one had a wife! Again thank god I do my homework ahead of meeting someone.

Anyways as the app is named, there's plenty more fish in the sea.... but perhaps for now it's time to hand my fishing rod up.

Who said exercise is good for you?

I've calculated over the past nine days I've completed 135,078 steps, I've swam 800 meters, I've cycled 180km and I've ran 10km - no wonder I'm exhausted!


This all started off with completing my first Triathlon last Saturday. I signed up for the Sprint distance of the London Triathlon in November 2016. Although typical me, I didn't start training for it until a couple of weeks ago.


I really am such a nightmare when it comes to training. I sign myself up for too many things and then I don't dedicate enough time to the training. I managed to have an open water swimming lesson four days before the Tri. The swim was the thing I was most concerned about so spending some time in the water really helped.


I am so lucky to have an amazing group of guys and girls to ask all my annoying triathlon related questions to. They really helped me with understanding what was expected of me and to put my mind at rest.


On the triathlon race day, my brilliant friends Emma, Brett and Lisa came up to support me. Brett helped me loads with what I was supposed to do and how I needed to set up my transition. Before I headed off for my swim, they gave me the lovely pep talk of "Bec, don't be shit!" - loved it.


I was so nervous for the swim. I expected everyone to be swimming over me but surprisingly there was ample room. I swam mainly breaststroke as my breathing with front crawl isn't great. By the end of the swim, I was so tired and although my arms were swimming breaststroke one leg was kicking front crawl and the other breaststroke! I finished the swim in 00:23:42.


After what felt like the longest struggle with unzipping my wetsuit (thanks to the lovely lady who helped me) I was running/walk through to transition when I realised I couldn't find my damn bike. After over 6 minutes, I found it and was on my to the cycle.


As soon as I started riding, the rain and wind set in. I've never ridden is such bad conditions but in a way this worked for me. I was determined to get off the bike as fast as I could so I ploughed through the ride. I was grateful for my 'Don't be shit' cheers along the way.


After the cycle - which I finished in 00:46:50, it was time to run. Transition was a bit easier this time and then I was off out to jog along the Thames. It felt like the route was pretty quick until I headed back into the Excel centre and you realise how big it is! I was determined to keep going and as I crossed the finish line after my second loop, I felt really good!


I somehow managed to get a Personal Best on my 5km run with 00:31:40. I usually average over 32 minutes and sometimes up to 35 minutes so this was incredible - especially after the swim and cycle. Overall I finished my first triathlon in 01:52:42 including transitions. I had hoped to finish in under 2 hours so I was very pleased.

After a rest day on Sunday, I had the Great City Race on Monday evening. Because I felt so strong with my PB on my 5km on Saturday, I was pushing myself to beat that - sadly I didn't. I was 10 seconds slower. I really felt like I pushed myself to my limit and I was still slower.


After beating myself up a bit, I got over it. I realised it was very congested and perhaps if the roads were clearer, I could have gone faster.


We had a step challenge at work during the working week and although I was getting up early and clocked up over 100k steps, it wasn't enough to beat my colleagues so I came third. Winnings overrated.


Yesterday bought my biggest sportive of the year, the Prudential Ride 100. It's the third year I've ridden it. I managed to get an earlier start time of 07:36 however this meant being awake at 04:15. My incredibly Daddy drove me to Stratford as I really didn't fancy adding an extra 15 miles to my journey.

I woke up at 02:00 to the pouring rain. I literally said to myself I wasn't going to ride if it was like that. 100 miles would've felt like 1,000 miles! Thankfully by the time I woke up, it had completely eased off to a little drizzle (no more persistent rain!).


It's amazing how well these events are organised. Although it's annoying having to be at the start line over an hour before (I was there 2 hours before just for good measure), you can understand how they need that time to ensure we were off on time - and we were.


I was lucky for the first 48 miles I tucked myself behind a lovely man called Simon. For the first 15 miles, I didn't know his name so in my head I called him Steve (he looked like a Steve). Anyway, I did ask if he minded me being behind him and funny enough he didn't. I was polite and asked if he'd like me to take the lead but he said I was fine - thanks Simon!


I said to myself that I wasn't going to stop until I got to the top of Newlands Corner and I didn't. I was desperate for a wee so as soon as I stopped I had to rush to the loo. After my quick wee break, selfie opportunity and stocking up on water and food it was time to head back out.


Sadly I lost my buddy Simon so it was time to hit the road solo, well as solo as ridding with thousands of other riders can be. Next up was Leith Hill, that came incredibly close to Newlands Corner. I got up Newlands Corner absolutely fine however Leith Hill was a bit harder. Because it starts out at 11%, I puffed myself out half way up and had to get off the bike to walk. I certainly wasn't the only one so I didn't feel too bad.


Back on the bike and I was powering through, I wasn't going to stop until 81 miles however I had a craving for a fizzy drink so I made a quick stop at 70 miles (I think). I only drank half the can otherwise I'd be stopping again for a toilet break.


The atmosphere on the ride is amazing. I love how people come out to cheer and make a real day of it. I like the kids along the route wanting a high five (although I'm always wary if I'm going fast that I may hurt them!). I got to 81 miles and stopped again for a bit. I made the mistake of sitting down whilst I spoke to my parents, when I got back up I was so stiff.


I admit the last 19 miles were the hardest. I said to myself that I wanted to finish in a ride time of under 06:30:00. I kept pushing myself to keep my average speed up. I was lucky to get pace with a few people along the way but then they'd slow down and I'd have to find someone else.


When I got to Chelsea Bridge, I knew I was on the home stretch. After keep pushing I turned left onto The Mall and that was it. It was great getting over that finish line in 06:28:55.

Because of the sheer number of people, it took about an hour to collect my bag and get over to the Park to meet the rest of the Romford Cycle Club crew. Whilst I wasn't cycling in my club gear this year (because I got a place through work) it was still great to meet some of the gang and enjoy a celebratory beer in the park.


The past few weeks have been challenging with training and completing the events however I have really enjoyed it. I admit my body feels pretty broken today. I had so much pain in my knee, ankle and lower back yesterday. I feel physically sick however I've still made it to work.


I want to get back into a clear exercise routine now. I'm thinking of cycling once a week, pole once a week, swimming once a week and hopefully 2-3 gym sessions. I need to be far more consistent with my training and realise that I'm not superwomen and I can't do these things without the right training and diet.


Here are my medals from my events.

First Pole Dance Competition - Miss & Mister Pole Essex 2017

I thought I would share my recent experience of my first ever pole dance competition.

Why Miss & Mister Pole Essex (MMPE)?

I had been toying with the idea of entering a competition for the past year or so however I didn't find the right level. My instructor at the amazing Pole and Tone in Romford, Essex suggested MMPE as a perfect first competition.

The logic I believe was to do with the fact that there was no video entry required. Several pole competitions ask you to submit a video entry, alongside the entry fee, as submission of an application.

Potentially you out together a routine, put in all the money and hard work and quite possibly you may not even get into the live competition.

Also MMPE was a new version of the well established Miss & Mister Pole Scotland. The organisers decided to branch out down to Essex. This will be due to the fact that the event is run by a pole school Up Yer Pole.

The fact this was a new competition made me feel slightly less pressure than had it been a well established one such as Pole Theatre UK or Miss Pole Dance UK. The fact I could have seen the previous winners and the level of the competitors would have been even more daunting.

Song Choice

I love listening to music and every time I heard a song I liked, I'd think whether I could dance to it. At first I chose an amazing Latin American song which was full of energy. I was thinking of all these cool, sexy salsa moves I could do then after chatting to Sue, we agreed it would simply be too fast paced for my first competition.

Next I remembered us playing around with a few dance routine moves to Na Na Trey Songz in class about a year ago. I remembered I liked the beat of the song. It's a good mix of being a little slow at point but so upbeat.

The routine had to be less than three minutes long so luckily a colleague was kind enough to cut the music for me to just under 3 minutes. It was really good to get the music cut slightly in the middle as there's nothing worse than finishing a routine when you know the music has to be faded out.

Choreography


Now I had the music, I just needed a routine to it! Although we had a few basic moves to begin with that was it.

As I entered as Student Intermediate, I was restricted with some of the moves I could include in my routine. Although I have mastered a few more advanced moves (such as Jade splits and Janiero) I didn't feel confident enough to compete at Advanced level.

I had an idea of one combo of moves however showing this to my very talented friend Jade Bensilum (who has competed and won heaps!) she explained this was a very basic combo that most of the judges would have seen a million times before. She helped me put together a variation of the combo and it worked amazing for my first invert combo.

Getting the right mix between pole moves and floor work is a fine art. I felt my routine had a nice balance however I felt more confident with my pole moves than the floor work. If I could have improved anything more, it would be the floor work.

I think what didn't help me was the fact that I only allowed myself less than three weeks to put together a routine and nail it. Due to holidays and general life, I didn't time the competition well. This worked well for me in the end, however I did feel a tremendous amount of pressure for those three weeks.


*** As a point of clarification, I want to confirm that my routine was wonderfully choreographed by my incredible pole instructor, Sue, at Pole and Tone. I am entirely grateful for all her hard work with prerparing me for this competition.***

Mind, Body and Soul

Speaking of pressure, not only did I feel the pressure but my body was in absolute bits. I was training pole five times a week leading up to the competition. Not only did we have to put a routine together, I needed to memorise it and nail it so quickly.

My body wasn't able to recover from the bruises. I also wasn't eating so well (coco pops isn't a suitable dinner!).

Not just the physical pressure on my body but the week leading up to the competition the nightmares started. These ranged from showing up on stage naked to slipping right off the pole.

Look the part

Now I had a song, a routine(ish) and plenty of pole kisses, it was time to sort out what to wear. Lucky I had spoken to a lovely costume designer called Hannah of HL Designs prior to going on holiday and she sketched me a lovely outfit.

I was trying to design between black and silver or black and red - thank god I choose silver! On the day another contestant had on a very similar design by my designer in black and red. It pays to let your designer know the competition as hopefully she would have swayed me towards silver if she had known about both our outfits.

I received my outfit in plenty of time ahead of the competition so I had the chance to have two practice run's wearing it.

Hair and make up was a big concern of mine. I knew kind of what I wanted, I just couldn't quite find the picture of it. I didn't have a practice of my make up but thankfully on the day it looked ace. My sister, Tammey, did an incredible job - thank you!

The big day

The night before the big day, I went out for a family meal. This was a bit risky (food poisoning) however it was really nice to spend the evening taking my mind off the competition. I did say to myself I would only have one glass of wine however three went down a treat and I slept like a log - thankfully I woke up without a hang over.

I spent the morning trying to remain calm and do my usual routine. I walked my dog and had some breakfast of hot cross buns. Again my breakkie could have been more nutritious however that's what I fancied (and had in the house!).

I decided to buy myself some Rescue Remedy to help calm my nerves. I tried it a few days before to make sure I didn't feel sick after taking it and although I'm not sure whether it had any affect, I still took it on the day.

After arriving at the venue at the registration time, I got my hair, make up and costume on. Initially people were not really mixing with each other so I stuck with a fellow competitor from my pole school.

It's so important to make sure you fully warm up. I spent a good hour doing some light cardio (jumps, squats) to warm up following by stretching. This was also the first time I'd ever used an X Pole stage so I had the chance to have a little play around on one.

Show time


After what felt like an eternity, it was show time. Being in the first category I was fourth on stage. I decided I wasn't going to watch the competitors before me. I think it would have made me far too nervous. Hearing all the audience cheering was nerve-wracking enough.

As I was introduced onto the stage, I walked down the stairs and that was my 'oh my god!' moment however as soon as I took my position on the pole (directly next to my friends and family) it was time for me to get into the zone.

As soon as my song started, I felt the flow. I was enjoying performing so much that I think I had a huge grin on my face most of the performance. I remembered all my moves however I did have a couple of little hiccups.

My biggest one was the fact my prop money fell out of my shorts. Luckily however I managed to amend my floor work to still scoop up some of the money to use and strut off towards the other pole. My next issue was to do with getting off the stage onto the floor to be able to do a backwards roll. If I had the chance to practice more on the stage, maybe I would have been smoother however no such luck.

Other than these two minor details, I carried on with the performance and loved every moment of it. When I took my bow and walked off stage, I was smiling from ear to ear. I literally wanted to go back on and do it all over again!

Now what?


After performing there was a lot of waiting around! I performed about 4.15pm however they didn't announce the winners until nearly 10.00pm. I waited upstairs with the other competitors until Emmie (the other student from my school) competed then we decided to sit downstairs and watch the other competitors.

Due to my outfit, I couldn't really put any trousers on so I was sat wearing my shirt. I'm so glad I decided to wear a shirt as it was a little long so at least gave me a little coverage.

Although I bought some snacks with me, it wasn't enough! The venue didn't have any catering facilities (missed a trick there guys) so I was getting a little hangry. I wish I'd packed myself the yummy chocolate spread sandwich I intended to make.

And the winner is...


By the time the winners were announced, my parents had left. My friends were all getting quite bored with waiting around too, in fact even some of the competitors had to leave.

When they asked us all to line up, we were not sure whether to be wearing just our costumes or not. I thought it looks better anyway, although some were worried it was a little presumptuous.

My category was announced first. Being my first competition, I honestly didn't expect to place. Of course I dreamed I would but never actually thought I could. I joked to Emmie just before the announcement that if I don't get called third then I had no chance.

They started the announcements "and in third place for Miss & Mister Pole Essex 2017 Student Intermediate category is... Becky Oddy". I was floored!! I would love to have seen my face as it was announced - I literally couldn't believe it.

Soon my excitement kicked in and I went forward to collect my sash, glass trophy, certificate and medal. I was hoping for a cheeky goodie bag too but I certainly had my handful already.

I was completely made up that I'd placed - I truly never expected it. I wasn't even disappointed when they announced second and first place.

Next I was more nervous for Student Advanced category. Having watched how powerful and flawless Emmie's performance was, I honestly expected her to also place. It was a really difficult category as there was some truly unique performances so I was so sad for Emmie when she didn't place.

One of the reasons why I didn't even consider entering as Advanced was because I knew most of the people in the category would have competed or performed before. It makes a real difference having that experience.

Overall, my experience of my first competition has been positive. Maybe I'm saying that because I placed but I also think about how much fun I had whilst performing.

I've learnt a lot from entering MMPE and I will ensure I allow myself much more time to prepare for my next competition. I have submitted a video entry for a competition so fingers crossed I haven't wasted an entry fee and will get a spot.

For now though I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who helped me with this first experience.





Thank You Roll Call
Susan Hasting - Incredible Pole Instructor at Pole and Tone.

Jade Bensilum - Amazing friend and pole dancer.

Tammey Farquhar - Hair, make up and best sister.

Emmie - Perfect pole companion.

Mum and Dad - For watching your innocent daughter pole dance.

Lovely ladies from Pole and Tone - Supporting your fellow students.

Emotional Abuse and Manipulation

I haven't updated my blog in a while and I just read the past few titles... 'Traits of a Psychopath' and '9 questions you should ask your relationship'. I guess something's have been playing on my mind for a while now.


Recently I've been listening to some 'self-help' podcasts. I've got really into podcasts lately and before I was listening to real crime series but recently I've needed some help and guidance so some of the podcasts have been really useful.


One in particular is called Tip Talk with Dr. Jennifer Degler. She has such a soothing and calming voice, this really helps with a podcast. I have listened to a four part podcast of hers about ten times over the past few days.


The four part podcast is surrounding Emotional Abuse. Part 1 explains what actually is emotional abuse. Part 2 explains the red flags for recognising emotionally abusive people. Part 3 explains the warning signs that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. And finally part 4 asks whether you are in fact an emotionally abusive person.


It's been so important listening to all parts of her podcast as it shows a journey that sadly many people are either on or have been on in the past that they were not fully aware of, or possibly they didn't want to admit it.


Perhaps some people see the words 'Emotional Abuse' and think people are being overdramatic. Maybe they think people are being too sensitive or reading into things that are not there however this isn't always true. With all abuse, there are different levels and severity of it. The occasional personal dig or silent treatment might not seem that big a deal but emotional abuse isn't just one isolated incident. It's a consistent pattern. 


Whilst listening to the podcasts, I noticed that some of the traits I have in fact inflicted on other people. I was utterly disgusted with myself so I want to ensure I never do these things again. I also noticed exactly how toxic my most recent relationship was.


This isn't an opportunity to air dirty laundry, this is a chance to share my experience and if other people are reading this, perhaps help clarify things for them. I will provide some examples of experience I have been through though, I hope it helps put things into context. 


So what constitutes emotional abuse?


I will outline some of the red flags of what emotional abuse is but ultimately it is a journey. When you first start a relationship, you probably won't see these signs. In fact, you'll see the opposite. They will likely be the most charming person you've ever met. Everyone will more likely be drawn to them and they will appear likeable and simply 'perfect'.


Then they start to show their true colours and the signs below shouldn't be ignored. If the person truly is emotionally abusive, these things will not change on their own. Action will need to be taken.


Please remember though that you can not make someone else change. They will only change if they want to change.


1. Intimidation and threats


This seems like a pretty obvious sign but sometimes it's not as direct as you think. The obvious way is someone shouting at you, causing you to 'back down' or maybe they are banging around the house.


The not so obvious signs are the threatening looks when you say something 'out of turn' or the general feeling of being uneasy around that person when they are in a bad mood.


2. Criticism


"Are you really going to wear that?" or "That was such a stupid comment". Being constantly put down will lower your self-esteem and self-worth. You will start to believe everything is bad about you and it's simply not true.


3. Undermining


This might include things like dismissing your opinion. It can also involve making you doubt your own opinion by acting as if you're being oversensitive if you do complain, disputing your version of events or by suddenly being really nice to you after being cruel.


Sadly many times I've completely doubted myself after an argument/discussion. I've wondered whether I am the one in the wrong for being annoyed/worried about my 'partner' being out till 9:00am the following day without knowing who they are with or what they are up to.


This is such a mind-fuck (sorry for the foul language). When you are doubting yourself, it's utterly exhausting. You are the one person you can fully rely on, so don't ever doubt yourself.


4. Guilt-trips


This can range from outright emotional blackmail (threats to kill oneself or lots of emotional outbursts such as crying) to sulking all the time or giving you the silent treatment. They say or do these things to manipulate your emotions.


Hearing someone say they are going to kill themselves is the worst feeling ever, especially when you have already had to live through that agony. By making you feel guilty, it's easier for them to control you. Try not to let them take that control over you.


5. Inability to see other peoples point of view


Do they refuse to acknowledge how you feel or how you react to the things the abuser does? More often than not they will dismiss any opinion you have on the situation. This is another way to make you doubt yourself and allows them to make you feel guilty and control you further.


6. Constantly walking on eggshells


If you're always trying to think of the right way to express yourself so you can't be misunderstood, even over the simplest things - this is bad. Also if you tip toe around your partner in case they are in a bad mood, this isn't a life you should lead.


Every day once a week, I would have to be extra careful as my ex would only get a short amount of sleep before his next shift. It's normal to be grumpy when you're tired but it is completely unfair to shut the other person out and refuse to communicate because you're in a bad mood or shout at them for asking a simple question. This happened nearly every week - consistent behaviour.


7. They know best...


Of course occasionally your partner may think they know what's best for you and they are trying to support you but if someone is constantly in your head and trying to make decisions about your life, this isn't right.


One of my biggest problems was surrounding "teasing". My ex thought whatever I did that I had an ulterior motive and I was teasing him. If I didn't want to have sex, then I must have been teasing him by withholding and not just because I was simply tired.


Even when we split up, I was the one who created ALL our issues in the relationship and I decided to split up on the exact day he had made plans for us to do something special, just to tease him. I do not think like that. I reacted to yet another bad situation and as sad as it is, it was the right reaction.


I could continue this post for probably at least another 20 signs of emotional abuse. However, I won't because deep down inside if you relate to anything I've said then you know the situation you're in is not a healthy one.


I write these posts usually because it's something relatable to me. I have discovered the relationship I was in was emotionally abusive. However, I was in love and I ignored the warning signs for so long.
At what point in your life do you just give up on yourself? If I had continued in the relationship, that's exactly what I would have been doing.


I've read lots of articles and listened to several podcasts regarding emotional abuse but there actually isn't as much information out there on how to deal with the situation when you finally discovered what you're involved in.


A lot of people will say to simply walk away however it's not always that easy when you're in love. But playing devils advocate here, if you are truly in love with someone who is emotionally abusive how can you really be sure that they are also truly in love with you? And even if they are in love, is it really that healthy? Their behaviour is bad, it's toxic.


The worst people are those who do not even see their actions as being abusive. Those people are incapable of fully changing. There are some people who do change. They do improve and they will make the effort but once the damage is done, it's really hard to get 'over it'. If you can learn to forgive, will you ever really forget?


I think in this situation people need to be on their own and make whatever changes are required. The abuser needs to take a hard look at themselves and commit to improving themselves in order to not be that controlling, manipulative person again. And the abusee (not a word but I refuse to use the word victim) needs time to heal. You must remember they didn't choose for the person to act the way they did.


On my own personal healthy journey, I am still struggling. I recognised that I was also guilty of some of those traits. I feel so ashamed of myself but I know I am not that type of person. Maybe I was simply reacting to the situation I found myself in.


Either way I am now committed to ensuring I never subject anyone to any emotional abuse (and remember this is a consistent pattern not a one off sulk or shouting match) and I will never allow myself to be belittled or controlled again.


When they say love is blind, it truly is but always trust your gut. If it feels wrong, it probably is wrong. Be kind to yourself and others.


Much love,
Becky
xxx

Real Crime Pod Casts - Traits of a Psychopath

Recently I have started to listen to various real crime pod casts. I've always been interested in true crime. I guess because it feels so distant from my life so it's interesting to learn about why people commit crimes and how the 'goodies' catch the 'baddies'.


I started listening to Real Crime Profiles. These pod casts covered some very interesting cases such as the Oscar Pistorius trail for the murder of Reeva Steenkamp and the murder trail for Meredith Kercher.


In the pod cast for Meredith, I was shocked to learn what really happened in the trails. I didn't even realise someone other than Amanda Knox was arrested and convicted?!?


What I like about the Real Crime Profiles is they give the victims a voice. They tell the story of the victims and don't give the hideous killers more air time. I learnt a lot about the victims and it's even sadder when you realise how many lives are affected by the action of one person.


Real Crime Profiles also gives a lot of information regarding domestic violence and stalking. Hearing some of the tell tale signs of emotional and physical abuse is alarming, especially when it's relatable. They also promote the services of the Paladin National Stalking Advocacy Service. It has a lot of information regarding domestic abuse.


Listening to the pod casts takes you vividly into the stories. I've been walking along the street, in the dark and have been petrified at times. I have a very active imagination anyway but these have really gripped me and dare I say affected me at times.


I've just started listening to another pod cast called Sword and Scale - this one is by far the harshest of them all. I'm only on the third episode but so far they have covered  a paedophile, a women serial killer and a rapist.


These are stories I absolutely won't be listening to when walking Shiloh over a dark park or listen to before I go to sleep. They are pretty disturbing and although I'm very intrigued by them, perhaps they may do some harm which I should be careful of.


One of the episodes focussed on psychopaths and their traits. Professor James Fellon is an Italian- American neuroscientist who not only discovered the science behind some very disturbing traits of psychopaths, he even discovered he himself exhibits some these traits and genetics.


Listening to this very ordinal man really struck a cord with me. Each day, how many treacherous people do we interact with, without even realising how dangerous they could be? It's incredibly frightening.


It made me read a little deeper into the traits of a psychopath and I found a very interesting article which lists 10 signs that someone who you're dating could be a psychopath . Here they are;


1. Hugely complimentary from the outset.


This doesn't sound like a bad thing. You would expect this from a new love interest but if he/she is complimenting you on EVERYTHING then this is usually referred to as "Love bombing". They get you hooked on hearing all these wonderful things but they will abruptly stop and you will be craving it all over again in the future.


2. They are just like YOU.


They mirror most things about you. If you explain you had a rough upbringing, they say they had the same. If you say you're scared of flying, they are too. By mirroring things about you, it makes them feel relatable when in fact they don't have their own identity so that's why they choice yours.


3. Pity Party.


Listen to what he says about the other people in his life. Was their parent/s abusive or not loving towards them? Were all their ex's crazy? By blaming everyone else, they may not be taking responsibility for their own actions and part in the relationship.


4. Illness/injuries.


As above psychopaths love the pity. Are you hearing lots of stories of them being ill in hospital? Or maybe they lost both parents to cancer and how they worry they'll get it? These stories may well be true but don't be surprised if gaps in their stories appear after closer inspection.


5. Great sex life.


Of course in the beginning of a relations this is expected but this is also another way of getting you hooked. By pleasing you whenever you want, they'll soon change their moods and you'll constantly be denied the pleasure until it's on their terms.


6. Cracks in the mask.


Sometimes the mask will slide and they let something alarming slip. Maybe they'll mention killing small animals for fun as a kid or perhaps they say how they cheated on all their ex's. The unconscious sometimes comes through or it could be their way of keeping you on your toes and keeps you guessing. It's all a cat and mouse game with them.


7. Silent Treatment.


Once psychopaths have you hooked after the "love bombing" and "idealization" phase, they then begin to devalue you. The first step in that is usually to give you the silent treatment over something. Psychopaths are also known to disappear for days at a time. Be sure, the silent treatment and disappearing act will be laid squarely at your feet.


8. Triangulation.


Psychopaths love to work you up into a state of obsessive frenzy, so to do that, they idealize you, give you fabulous sex, and then begin pulling away and "triangulating." This is when they introduce other people into the mix to make you jealous. It could be an ex-partner, a friend of the same sex, or even a celebrity. In the psychopaths mind, everyone else wants them, so you better be on your best behaviour, or they will move on to one of their adoring fans.


9. Discard.


The final phase of the psychopath is the "discard" phase. After they sucks you in with idealization, then begins to devalue you, they will suddenly discard you as if you never had a relationship. You are suddenly completely worthless to them. They will usually move on to another target at this point.


10. Still mine...


Although a psychopath will discard you, they doesn't quite want you moving on either. If they senses you are moving on with your life, they will suddenly do an about-face, and begin bombarding you with pleas to stay together. They will try to woo you back in by saying everything you've ever wanted to hear, making a million promises, and suddenly being on their absolute best behaviour. It's all an act so they can get you back into the fold.


If you can relate to any of these points, be very careful! These people are incredibly skilful, don't underestimate them. They are also extremely volatile so you must be careful to have a safe support network around you when dealing with them.


The only way to get rid of them, once and for all, is to go No Contact (NC). Delete their phone number, email address, block them on all social medias and delete their friends too. You don't want people reporting things back to them.


I've always said relationships can be difficult, nothing worth having in life comes easy but have some respect for yourself. If you genuinely think you are in a toxic relationship then you must act upon it.


The only person in this World you can truly rely on, is YOU! Look after yourself and then when the time is right, someone will be there to look after you.


I won't lie, I've struggled writing this post as it is very alarming some of the things I've read. I've been through a lot in life and maybe by keep learning these things I will also be strong in the future.


Stay safe and love yourself,
Love
Becky
xxx

The nine questions you should ask of your relationship

Relationships truly are hard work. I've always been of the mind-set that if something is worth having, then it's worth working hard for however I don't think it should be too much of a struggle.

I know I am not the easiest of people to get along with sometimes. I'm strong willed, argumentative and frankly a pain in the butt. However, I don't purposely does these things without being provoked.

I really dislike arguing. Although the previous politician in me enjoyed the debates, arguing is very different. Arguing is personal and gets plain nasty. It's healthy to have a honest discussion and sometimes it may get a little heated but arguing constantly is not good for your health.

I read a very interesting article in the Daily Mail (Don't judge!) yesterday. It was a mother sharing with her daughter nine questions you should ask to confirm if the relationship you are in is right for you.

It got me thinking about my relationships - past and present. It made me think a lot about what is important in life and how you are the only one who is in control. Sometimes you need to take charge of your own actions.

Here are the nine questions you should ask yourself to check how healthy your relationship is.

1. Are you a better person for being with him/her and does he/she bring out the best in you?

This question got me thinking about how I feel right now in my current relationship. At the moment I genuinely feel like I am a horrible person sometimes. I react so badly to some of the things a certain individual does and I hate myself for it. I know I can choose my own reactions but I honestly feel so out of control sometimes - it's a horrible feeling.

I need to learn to improve myself and control my own reactions. It feels like its going to take a lot of training for me to become better with this.

It's paramount to be with someone who makes you shine. Be with someone who you want to be an even better person for (hope that makes sense!).

2. Will you be partners and respect each other rather than continually struggling for power but be able to live with the fact you will sometimes struggle?

The two words that jump out to me in that question are Respect and Power. I feel like I'm losing respect for myself (with my reactions as above) so how can I expect someone else to respect me?

Being equal with a partner has always been a big thing for me. I just want to be with someone who I see as my equal. We don't both have to have the same strengths or earn the same amount of money but it's a matter of having equal strength and weaknesses.

There will always be power battles sometimes but it's having the courage to know you can back down at times. You don't always have to be top dog.

3. Will you support each other's dreams, even if you do not understand and/or share in all of their dreams?

You don't have to have the same dreams but it's important to have some common ground. Being able to fully understand what makes some tick and their drives in life, will help you become a stronger couple.

4. Can you be honest with each other on the big stuff even when it's hard?

This is so important! I am luck that Mr and I are incredibly honest with each other - in fact sometimes too brutally honest (for example we say if the other has bad breath etc).

I've been in relationships where I have had to act like a detective. If I don't ask the most specific question, then I didn't get the full truthful answer.

There's no point lying to each other. There are always ways of people tripping up on their lies and it's always far worse finding out you've been lied to.

The only time it's acceptable to keep things from each other is when presents are involved :-P

5. Can you forgive minor faults and mistakes and be willing to grow from them together and as an individual?

It depends what do we define as minor faults...? Does that include eating with your mouth open? Or licking the plate clean? Sometimes the 'minor faults' are so many in volume that it becomes a big problem.

We are all human beings. We will make errors from time to time so of course these should be forgiven. It's more important to learn from these errors and not repeat them. This point is more about being patience and learning to accept each others flaws.

6. Do you want to be there for the good and the ugly, and the routine and the extraordinary?

The answer should always be yes. There will always be highs and lows in a relationship, it's a matter of supporting each other. The routine shouldn't be boring. It should be simple moments of peace. You shouldn't always have to plan and entertain each other, you should simple be able to 'be' together and that be enough.

7. Can you give each other space and yet recognise how important it is to make time for each other?

I absolutely hate it when I just need some space to calm down and reflect and it's not given to me. Sadly this happens quite often lately...

It is so important to have your own space and hobbies. You need to be an individual in a relationship as well as a partnership. Giving each other this space is giving them an opportunity to grow.

8. Do you like his/her core, and what he /she wants from life and what he/she attaches importance to?

It is so crucial to love and respect the person for who and what they are. Being a 'good person' is what life is about. Someone who will not make fun or be nasty to others (unless it's in a joking way which wouldn't offend anyone) or put other people down.

There is so much hatred in this World. It's so much better to spread some love and happiness. I want to be with someone who wants to do exactly that. Let me caveat though that spreading love does not mean sleeping with other people!!!!

9. Are you physically and emotionally attracted to him/her?

Being emotionally attracted to someone, I assume is similar to loving someone's core. Seeing them as your equal and both realising the importance of life. Perhaps it's even feeling entirely safe being with them.

Physical attraction is also so key to a healthy relationship. It's understandable the spark will fizzle out as time goes on but ensure you maintain the pride in your appears not for someone else but for yourself.

I hope this post has helped you think about your relationship. If you have answered positively to most (or all) of these questions, then you are a very lucky person! And if you haven't quite got the answers you feel comfortable with then perhaps it's time to fully evaluate your relationship.

As I said in the beginning, relationships are hard work sometimes. But they shouldn't be hard work all of the time. Enjoy the love you have and make every moment special. You never know how long you have with someone.

Lots of love and kisses,
Becky
xxx